Holy crap. Just weighed myself and I’ve already lost 17 pounds, folks.

Yes, I am bragging.

So, here’s the labor story you’ve all been waiting for…

As you know, Wednesday I was back in the hospital for another round of Cytotec.  It got the contractions moving along nicely all day. I was 100% effaced and had dilated up to 3cm by evening! My doctor kept me for the night to watch for more developments. In the morning they would be breaking my water if it hadn’t already broke in the night, and we could expect Marco soon!

Wednesday evening we spent trying to keep relaxed; all the contractions were now in my lower back and becoming more painful. Thursday morning I took a shower and brushed my teeth, and by 8:00am, Dr. Henry was back to break my water and give me some more Cytotec. Unfortunately for me, the combination made the contractions so strong and painful that I could just barely keep it together. We tried all kinds of techniques to get Marco to release my sciatic nerve, but he was facing up and his skull just crushed it. I tried to get back in the shower, hoping the warm water would help with some of the pain, but I almost pulled the towel racks off the wall during my contractions. No good.

I was hungry too, and wondering why the breakfast I’d ordered hadn’t come in yet. Finally, I asked the nurse to check, and she informed me that even if she called, it would be too late for me to eat it. With the epidural, I would be on a clear-liquid diet (ice chips, water and jell-o!), and she’d just called the anesthesiologist to come and help with my pain (woo-hoo!!).  SHE WAS AWESOME. I loved her. She explained in exacting detail everything she was doing. The contractions were more painful than inserting the epidural, sadly! I was put on a good drip dosage, and given a fun little button to push in case I needed some extra meds to get through the pain. I only used it a few times, and in fact it was pushed for me by the nurses and my midwife more!

I stayed in bed all day, but couldn’t sleep. I hadn’t slept more than a few hours the night before, so was really exhausted; just too keyed up and anxious to take a nap. Finally, at 5:30 I was 10cm dilated and ready to push my little baby out! I was so happy to learn that I had made it! My mom, sister and Christopher (closest person I have to a father) had been pacing anxiously in the waiting room all day, so it was wonderful to give them the good news!  I was even more thrilled when I learned that Sue, my midwife, was on call that evening to deliver! I really liked Dr Henry and Dr Geary, but I love Sue…she’s simply amazing.

When she made it there, she informed me that Marco still hadn’t turned the right way (he was still facing up) and we’d need to do a lot of extra work to get him to move. I pushed for 2 hours, and by 9pm he was further along the canal but stubbornly refusing to change positions. He was stuck, and Dr. Henry would need to come in with the forceps. He’s actually one of the foremost-experts on using this tool, and had developed some techniques of his own (luckily!).  Sue would still be there to help talk me through the pushing. Up until then, I’d been able to talk calmly in between the contractions and pushing, so was not too miserable; once the forceps came into play, not so much the case. It was so uncomfortable it was bordering on painful, and it took another 45 minutes of pushing before my baby made his way into the world.  Dr. Henry is a big believer in having the dads help with the delivery (as long as I was comfortable), so once the head was through, Tim got to sit in the chair and help guide Marco out.

Then he was handed to me. OH. MY. GOD. I have never in my life felt so overwhelmed. He’s the most beautiful baby I’ve ever seen. I cried a lot, and couldn’t stop staring at him! He cried for a couple of minutes, and then he just stared back at me, and listened to me talking to him. I loved it! Tim cut the umbilical cord, and we just couldn’t believe how gorgeous our baby was! I expected him to look goofy, but he was already perfect. TMI TIMEUnfortunately, he was also huge, and I’d had to have an episiotomy during the last part of pushing to get him out. Even more unfortunate, once he fully crowned, the small cut ripped further down. TMI TMI TMI – I APOLOGIZE!

They took Marco to do a quick measurement check, and he came in at 8lbs, 6.4 oz and 21 1/2 inches in length. How did he fit in my body? I’m only 5’3″! I’d come into labor with a total weight gain of 23lbs – turns out it was mostly Marco!

Finally I was able to rest and let my family come in to see him. My lovely friend Adrienne had been anxious to come up, so she’d been waiting with my family as well.  Everyone noticed how beautiful and perfect my baby was (how could you not!?), and we decided that he looks like Tim. He has my eyelashes and, so far, my hair color. Otherwise, it’s all Timmy.

I couldn’t sleep at all that night. I stared at Marco and Tim all night long. I was so happy I couldn’t stop crying and smiling.

Go HERE for a quick video we took after Marco was born (nothing graphic or crazy in the video, don’t worry).

Birth class #2: I cried during the labor video; I was freaking out thinking ‘I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I can’t do this.’  Everyone saw.

Now I am eating  a bit of carrot cake and drinking non-fat milk in hopes that I will put myself into a sugar coma and forget all about the mortification.

A year and a half ago, I was assisting an elderly woman with putting together a cookbook. The second recipe we worked on was a stuffed lobster.

Keep in mind the fact that I am a vegetarian (even when I did eat meat, lobster was not on the menu), and had never before heard how to prepare a lobster.

Mrs. Anonymous (clever pseudonym, yes?) hands me an empty cardboard box and asked me to accompany her to the freezer. There I am, wearing dark brown faux-crocodile leather peep-toe heels and a pencil skirt, standing innocently next to a murderess as she prepares to nab her victims.

She opens the freezer, pulls out two large lobsters (I’ll name one Maxwell and the other Eleanor – in a Beatles mood today) and places them in the box. We walk back to the test kitchen, and place the box on the counter. Mrs. Anonymous lays the lobsters on a chopping block, and excuses herself to wash her hands. I’m sauteeing onions on the other side, and I was ready to swear I saw Eleanor twitching. How weird! It’s probably just the defrosting process that makes it move.

Mrs. Anonymous came back into the kitchen with a huge knife in hand. Both lobsters were starting to stir and I came to the sudden and horrifying realization that those lobsters were alive the whole time.

I couldn’t move without shoving Mrs. Anonymous, so OF COURSE I had to stand by and watch. She started to pet Maxwell. Read that again; I’m not making this up. She gently stroked the lobster from head to tail, all the while maintaining eye contact with me and making noises with her mouth about Thanksgiving meal planning. Then the blade of the chef’s knife starts pointing towards Maxwell’s head, and starts to penetrate all the way down to the cutting board.

WHACK! 

 

I stared in disbelief as she slammed the knife down hard, through the shell, RIGHT BETWEEN THE EYES.  She proceeded onto Eleanor, stroking the poor creature and then cutting in half.

The next part is where I started to feel as though I would throw up: she grabs their claws and starts twisting and ripping them off of their dead bodies. EWW EWW EWW.

I won’t go into any more gruesome detail…suffice it to say they were fully disemboweled.

I never spoke up before, and for this I apologize to all lobster-kind. I’m an accomplice to murder in the first degree! Double homicide! It was premeditated! I hope Mr. McCoy gives me a good deal; I’m not ready to face life without parole.